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August 25, 2006

Separation Anxiety

Before I had Dylan, I stated, quite emphatically, that I would love to be a stay-at-home mom and raise my own children. If I didn't need to work, I wasn't going to. Then Dylan came. Now don't get my wrong, I adore my son, and I cherish most of the time we spend together. But after about 4 weeks of staying home with him I was ready to go back to work. Yes, it kept getting easier, and he kept becoming more fun to hang with - those giggles are just awesome - but oh for the luxury of sitting for an hour and eating lunch with two hands while talking with adults. Or even the luxury of just sitting for an hour. It really took me by surprise how much I was looking forward to going back to work.

Then September peeked its ugly head around the corner.

I don't know if it's because Dylan is totally cool now and we can hang out and do fun stuff like bat at toys and jump in our jumpee and go for wallks and exercise and go shopping, or if it's because there is only 1 more week of staying home with him, but work is looking less and less like the wonderful thing it looked like in June. Or even July. Or even the beginning of August.

To try to make myself feel better about the whole thing, and to start to get him acclimated to that which is to come, we went to Dylan's "school" yesterday. We met his two teachers - who are both very nice - and looked around the classroom. It wasn't so bad. I mean, I had seen the classrooms before, but that was when I was pregnant, before I knew Dylan. Before I knew that he hates being swaddled, but he needs to be swaddled in order to sleep. Before I knew that you can make a "po po po po po" noise or tell him he is cute to get him to giggle. Before he batted his big blue eyes up at me. Before I knew of his undying love of trees. Before he fussed and fussed and fussed and then came to me and sighed contentedly while snuggling into me. Oh, I could go on all day, but I think you get the picture. So even with my perfect little angel in my arms, it wasn't so bad. We sat in a few of the toys and he seemed to be a happy little camper.

Then the teacher suggested I put him down and go next door to get a look at the older infant room (6 to 12 months). What? You mean LEAVE him???

Oh. My. God.

To not appear completely neurotic and clingy, I smiled and said, "ok." (Instead of listening to my gut and going, "No way, man. I don't have to part with him for another week.") I put him down in a little seat that had a toy bar with a mirror strapped over it. He smiled up at me and then looked at himself in the mirror and giggled. "Ok, Dylan," I said. "Mommy's just going to go next door." He looked up at me and giggled then turned back to the mirror and took a swipe at it. "Ok," I continued, backing away slowly. He turned his head to watch me, since I was now moving and apparently more interesting than the mirror. He looked at me, not smiling or frowning, the whole time I backed out of the room. I stood in the doorway - outside of the room but still in his line of vision - and he maintained eye contact with me. I took a deep breath. I stepped to the side, out of his sight. I waited... and waited... and... no screaming.

I went next door, but was antsy the whole time. As I walked out of the other infant room, I heard a baby screaming from Dylan's room. I ran to the door and saw... Dylan still sitting in his chair, giggling at himself in the mirror and swatting at the toys. And then giggling at the girl sitting in the swing across from him and swatting at the toys. One of the other teachers walked up right then and I turned to her and said, "Would you take a look at him! He didn't even notice I was gone!"

I am relieved. My worst fear was that he would just scream and be miserable all day but then talking to my mom I remembered the little girls in the dance classes I used to teach. They would cry and cry while their moms were there, but if you could get the moms out of the rooms, the girls would stop crying in less than a minute. It's easier to deal with as a teacher than as the parent who has to leave the room while your kid is crying but my kid wasn't even crying! I mean, I'm sure I will be, but I have a half an hour drive to work to straighten myself out. I never imagined it would be so hard to walk away from him. To go to work and constantly be wondering if he's ok, or what he's doing, or if he's happy.

I know they said it would be a two week adjustment, but now I wonder if they don't mean for me...

Posted by Terri at August 25, 2006 10:07 PM

Comments

It'll get easier as the days go on Terri. I remember that my first day back at work I was tired and sad and maybe even a little resentful that I actually had to be there until 11:45 (lunch time). I sat in the teachers room (in a chair, at a table) and ate lunch and then realized that I had a whole 45 minutes to do that! I was able to talk to adults, go to the bathroom, do whatever I want for that whole 45 minutes. It made my day.
I can't say I don't miss Dominick at work, but sometimes it's really nice to be me and have some time for myself. I also think that going to work made me appreciate what I have to come home to.
I'll be thinking of you when September rolls around. :-D

Posted by: Jennifer at August 26, 2006 08:33 PM

It's a true "Mommmy moment" for you.....I'm glad that he didn't freak!

Posted by: Vizma at August 29, 2006 04:01 PM

*huggles* It sounds as if it's a great place for him and it's not as if you're gonna leave him there forever! *more hugs*

Posted by: Juno at September 4, 2006 04:52 PM

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